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I hate my life. The decisions I've made make it do I can't enjoy the beautiful things I love in my life. It's so depressing.

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Dear Mom

 Dear Mom,
         First off, I want to thank you. Thank you for letting my family into your house for the past months. Without you, I don't know where we would have lived or how we would have survived. I really do appreciate all that you gave us recently. I can't say it's been easy. We both know it hasn't. Which brings me to the next thing.
         I need a break from you. I really love you. I do,even though you make it hard sometimes. But I don't think love is enough anymore. After all the hatred you've shown over the last few months... I can't take it. You've called me useless, you've called me bad words. You've even talked about my husband and my daughter. You can say whatever you wish about me- heck, even Jon, but don't bring my daughter into this. That's where I draw the line. She's done nothing. And yet, you can't stop yourself from putting her down too.  I've grown used to your bad mood and mood swings, but I don't want my daughter around it.

         You don't realize how lucky you are. How much you have. You've got a great house, and a great husband. You've got a daughter that loves you and continues to TRY and have a relationship with you, but you keep screwing it up. You really think all that mumbling under your breathe, we can't hear? You are angry all the time and for no reason! I hold up my end of the bargain and do all the cooking(even breakfast and lunch) and all you're supposed to do is the dishes- and you yell and scream about me being useless, good for nothing and a loser. I do all the cooking and I do the dishes, and you yell about me not putting them away, being a loser, and kicking me out of your house. 

         I don't want this to sound like I know it's going to. I know you love each of your children. But you've always been bad at hiding your favoritism. After telling you that I can't live in the same house as Jake, you practically told me to pack my bags. I hope you have a lot of lovely memories with your only son living with you forever. Treating you like crap and mooching off of you for years to come. I feel sorry for you. I do. 

        Ya know, this isn't even about Jake. You don't know how hard it is to feel this awkwardness for years. Years.This isn't a recent thing, you've done this to me for years. You don't know how much it kills me, because I yearn for your affection and need your support. I can tell you one thing. I am going to be a better mother than you. I'm going to be a better wife than you. Can't say you've set the bar too high. 

        You've cut a huge hole in our relationship and I don't know if it can be mended. I know, it's going to take a long time for me to heal, even a little bit. I am so hurt and feel so abused.. i really don't know what to do.


Got into a nice fight with my mom tonight. Apparently, I don't do enough around the house. I raise Joslyn, I raise Noah is NOT my child, I cook dinner for everyone, provide some food for the household even though neither of us have jobs... Yet Jake chills in his room all day long, wakes up at 3 pm and doesn't take care of his kid, and she yells at me for not putting dinner away before everyone is finished eating. Ugh. Just whatever.

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Dec. 7th, 2009

So I haven't posted in a long time. Probably since Josie's first birthday. Well, today is a pretty historical day, I'd say. Today Jon got laidoff. I guess there goes our dreams of having our own house next year. I'm thinking a bank is not going to give us a loan if we've only been at a job for a few months. Sure, he got laid off and I quit so I could take care of my kid, but banks are so logical about everything. Thy don't care about the situation of the economy, just how your going to pay your morgage. Ugh. It's so stressful. Although now I'm sure we could get food stamps and wic. I didn't want to resort to that but it looks like I have no choice. It was made for me. Maybe he can apply for unemployment too. Hopefully he won't have to, but if it comes to that, I guess I like the thought that my govt is there for me. That's really weird to say.
I will say that I'm happy we didn't renew our lease in Colorado Springs and moved in with my parents. We would be screwed if we were contractually obligated to pay rent with no jobs. Then again, I would still have a job.

On a very bright side, Josie is doing amazing. She is just awesome. Bouncing like Tigger and since Bob #1 met his slimy demise, Josie has fun watching Bob #2 swim around. Right now she has only eight teeth, but I know there are some molers on their way.

I guess that's enough of an update. Have to finish wrapping Christmas presents.

Man, this Christmas is goin to be so depressing.

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 Apparently it's been over eleven weeks since I've posted anything.. which isn't true. I post things in my mommy blog.. that's good enough.

So Josie is a toddler now. That's all that's really changed. I have a toddler with a buuunch of teeth coming in! 5 on top, and molers on the bottom. That makes for a bit of a cranky baby. So we're working on that.
Past that- we're packing to get ready to move in with the parents. Since we're going to move to Florida, they offered for us to move in with them and save some rent money. Florida here we come! 

Ugh, toddler into trouble. That's all for this post.
 Right now, she's throwing my clean clothes out of the basket, and on to the floor. What a good little helper.

In the last THREE days, Joslyn has decided that she's going to make her mommy out to be a liar. Any chance she gets. 

After I had decided that she just is NEVER going to get teeth.. just constantly be teething... she falls. It wasn't a real fall.. she just tripped. But as I was picking her up making sure she was ok, I noticed that she cut a tooth!
The next morning, I'm feeding her some food, and I had just told my husband that she doesn't seem interested in feeding herself. She'll do it every once in a while.. but not really interested. the next feeding, she spits out the little pasta pieces and then picks them up and feeds herself. Everytime I try to feed her the pasta she eats all the sauce, spits out the pasta and then picks it up and feeds herself.
THEN I'm talking to my father on the phone, telling me how Josie hasn't really said anything. She screams a lot, but no babbling. My nephew was really quiet, and I guess it just runs in the family... she decides it's time to start babbling, and now she's constantly saying "babababa" "maaaaabaaamaaa."(not Mama, of course." and telling little stories.
Now the straw that broke the camels back- my husband and I were playing on the floor with Josie, trying to see if she would walk back and forth between the two of us.. which she won't yet. But we're talking to Josie and I ask her when she's going to stand by herself. After a few minutes, I figure it doesn't hurt to try and get her to stand by herself.. and of COURSE she does it... over 5 seconds!
And now she sits up by herself. I don't even know when she started that!

I need to test my powers... maybe next I'll ask her when she's gonna get a job... or when she's going to start driving. 
She likes to be by the book, this baby. Came on her due date. When the dr said I would probably start noticing Josie roll over, she did.. when babycenter.com said most children start learning to crawl, she did.. Creeping, she did that. 

She's growing up WAY too fast!

Allergies and straws.

 Found out yesterday that Josie is allergic to pineapples. That sucks. No smoothies for her. She also started drinking out of a straw two days ago. Had one of Noah's juiceboxes. Looooved it.

UGH, Life sucks.

Where should I start? Last night sucked. I'm pretty sure I already posted that Safeway still isn't paying me correctly. $1.34/hour less. It's been like this for 5 weeks, at least. We'll see if Today I get paid correctly. Doubt it. Anyway. For the past week or so, everytime I see the manager, I ask if he's going to pay me correctly. So yesterday, I asked him if I'm going to get paid correctly. He said no. Jokingly. So I went into the office a little later, and sat down. I was like "Jim, so how long is it going to take... for me to get my money? I need it." He started to get frustrated with me.. which I think is hilarious. He was like "Well, how much do we owe you?" I dont know. Over $100. "How many hours?" At least 20 a week. Five weeks. After he calculated it up... which isn't that hard. LOL. 100 hours at $1.34 is $134.00. Easy enough.  He told me he'd get me a check that afternoon. So I'm happy with that. Finally someone is doing something to help me out. Yeah, you sent in the paperwork.. but I still need that money. I need it now. We're hurting. So a little later, he calls me into the office and gives me layoff options. I can either accept the layoff, try to get hours at another store- as a checker -or get demoted to Customer Service.. which I'm already doing that work... I'd just be classified as it now. So I took the demotion. I knew it was coming. Whatever. Although, now I'm going to be bumping This kid Chris out of Customer Service.. I don't really feel bad though. I need the hours. Anyway. As he's leaving the store, he comes and stands next to me. But I was helping customers.. so he just leaves. Without giving me the money. UGH. So I start complaining to people. LOL. Just cause I'm like my dad and I like to hear myself talk. And I told the head clerk, Sharon, that I was upset. He was going to get me that money, and then he just leaves. Jerk. She tells me to talk to the assistant manager, Mark. Mark's an ok guy. Nice enough, but he just doesn't care too much. So I start asking him what I should do. He says he'll text Jim and find out what he wants Mark to do. Never gets back to me. He just leaves. So yeah.. screwed. This isn't MY fault. They screwed up, yet I'm getting punished for it. If they would have told me to fill out the paperwork, I would have, and I wouldn't be in this mess. In theory. I'm just so frustrated..

And THEN- we need to file for Medicaid. Now, I don't really think we need medicaid.. maybe foodstamps, but not so much medicaid. $30 every doctor's visit isn't terrible. It's not having enough money for food and bills. We owe over $1800 in bills. I'm prreeeeeetty much screwed. Most of them have gone to collections. I need to call today and see if we can arrange something. They aren't usually terribly sympathetic. But ya know.. if all I can pay is $20/month... they are gonna have to either accept it.. or screw themselves. LOL. UGH.. this is so frustrating.. did I mention that? Yeah, I have all this debt, and irritation... but look at this child I got out of it.. I think she's worth over $1800. Definitely. 

I haven't updated it forEVER.

 I've been meaning to post for a loooong time... so this will be very jumbled, but... oh well. Here it goes.

Josie put herself to sleep today. LOL. Like out of the blue. I had her in the playpen thingy, and she was playing with her stuffed animals and monkey(she LOVES her monkey) and then all of a sudden it was quiet. I went to see what she was doing, she had laid her self down, put the binky in her mouth, and was sleeping. Hilarious. 

What else has happened... she fell off the couh a few days ago. She cried for like ten seconds, I cried for like ten minutes. She was just sitting on the couch- and I was cooking dinner so I ran into the kitchen to stir the pasta, and then I heard her fall -I thought- and then the cry. I ran into the living room, and oh MAN, I felt so terrible. Still do. I can't believe she fell.

OK, so I told my mom two days ago, that I will NOT bring Joslyn up to Castle Rock until she stops drinking. I'm not going to have my child around her when she's drunk, and if she thinks she can still drink while watching Noah... this is the only way to stop it. All she said was "OK." So I went up there yesterday, and she wasn't drinking. I don't know how long it will last, but if I DO go up there, and she IS drinking, I am just going to leave. Even though I just drove 40 miles, I will drive right back around. If I don't stick to this- then she will know I don't mean it, and will think I'm weak. This is something I'm not weak about.

ANYWAY. My pay at work, should be fixed. Here's hoping! I gave Jim all my check stubs from December, and he said he was going to fix it.. but I haven't gotten my check from yesterday so I don't know if they fixed it for last week. I need that money, so they better have fixed it.

Other than that... Jon's passanger side rear window blew out a few weeks ago. The wind was so terrible that it just blew out his window. Which sucks.. but we'll deal. My car was making some clanky noise for a few days... and when I went to my parents yesterday, Dad put some oil into Edwardo... he REALLY needed it. He sounds so much better. With one quart of oil in, it wasn't even registering on dipstick. 

3 days from Joslyn turning 5 months old.

Isla is 4 months old!

 Wow time flies SO fast. In four days, Joslyn will be officially four months old. We went and got her "four month/Christmas" pictures a few days ago... SO CUTE! And we got one family picture. (insert awws here.) We also. so her picture with Santa. Not the best picture, but she wasn't crying.. so better than Noah's. We might go and get her and Noah's picture taken with Santa this weekend... but doubt it. I'm a busy woman! And we got it all for the low, low price of... $50! Not bad, considering we were gonna spent more than that at one place. And we got two poses of Josie, and one of the fam. plus two Santa pics.All in all, a good Saturday. We've decided to get her pictures taken again around February.

So this morning, I've had some weird dreams. First off, I had another dream about Spore. LOL, that game is sooo addicting. I don't really remember what the dream was ABOUT... but.. it was Spore creatures. Then I had a dream, that the building across from mine caught fire and burned to the ground. But that's not it. It made it's way across the parking lot to our building, and burned off only the balcony. So, I wake up(in my dream) and notice the building is gone... and then I go out into the living room, where my sliding glass door is open, and fire fighters and neighbors are standing around talking. Another lady is in the kitchen, cleaning baby bottles. Of course, I ask what the heck is going on! And no one answered... but there's everyone's luggage and nic-nacs all over my livingroom, in the baby's playpen... just everywhere. The lady in the kitchen says she was a implant from Katrina, and now her place is gone again with nowhere to stay... so I offer her the couch... but the she asks about her five children... who at that time come running in with Josie... then I woke up... soooo weird.